Ongoing Experience -1

  1. I am trying to become comfortable about what happened in my past, my thoughts and what is currently going on in my life. It is not a pleasant experience a lot of time. Most of the time, thoughts are trying to pull me back into things that took place in the past, in the fantasy I had put up in the future or sometimes, just mixing things together. It feels like re-living a horror dreams sometimes as it tends to paint everything in a bad manner. 
  2. I practice meditation and come back to the ongoing present things whenever the thoughts become overwhelming. But, I am new to the present world to be honest. I had been living in the past or the future for a while now, since something happened year and month ago. Before that living in the present was fun. As my current present is the not the same present, it feels like I have time travelled into a place where everything seems to have moved on, changed or feeling new as I have never paid attention to it. 
  3. If I skip my routine like not doing workout, or feeling ill for a day, the thoughts just take over then. And again and again they play the recordings of hurt. It becomes a nightmare. You come out of it, and you feel a time traveller in your own world, add to it feeling ill or off routine, it becomes a hell sometimes. I feel like character from Lucifer series, whom seem to be re-living the same things again and again. 
  4. Future feels very uncertain ( not with respect to career etc ) but in general. Covid-19 has added onto the uncertainty but my future felt this way even before this. I had a very strong positive anchor in my life, which used to make me feel that no matter what the future will be fine. Now I have to tell myself that things will be fine, it will be all okay, I will be fine. There is no other anchor. Even when the meditation and therapy lessons were about trying to stay in present and going with the flow, it becomes challenging as the bullet of feelings regarding future seem to come unannounced. 
  5. There have been few things, which I have started to appreciate in my life, which are the positive source of energy. That makes things easier.